The only (and best) way out is through

Right now, I’m climbing out of a mental pit — slowly, painfully, but deliberately. I’m learning software engineering while life still throws me curveballs. Some days I want protection, a mental safety net, something to catch me. Other days I just want clarity — to keep my logic intact and my heart steady.

I’m also balancing the stress of learning with the practical grind of managing cash flow, taxes, and financial uncertainty. At the same time, I’m learning not to retreat into isolation or lash out at the people who care. I need to process out loud, not just spiral inward.

I’m taking responsibility — not in a dramatic way, but in a grounded, realistic way. I’m catching myself, identifying the habits and lifestyle patterns that need to shift, and making those changes bit by bit.

These past few days, I’ve been sitting with ChatGPT, using it as a mirror — exploring therapy-like patterns, alternative perspectives, reprogramming old thoughts. I’ve eaten poorly. I’ve felt everything in my body. But I’ve also found moments of quiet joy, enjoying nature, and facing what is.

This is my path — not just learning software, but learning how to live. It feels overwhelming sometimes, like there’s no time. But I’m starting to accept that time is here. I don’t have to take on the entire future at once. Choosing one thing doesn’t mean I’m abandoning everything else.

I’ve been noticing how my most grand, ambitious dreams — the huge fantasy of creative control and freedom — are sometimes compensations for how powerless I’ve felt. The bigness of the goal masks the smallness of how I feel now.

And that’s okay. It’s okay to want $10M and a company. But it’s also okay to sit here today and just work on something small, something mine.

My desires change every year. My wants, my needs — they’re in flux. But the one constant is this: I tend to over-scope everything. I add complexity to avoid the simplicity of now.

But I’m learning. This isn’t forever. This is just where I am today. The only way forward is through.